Stan: Dad, Dad, Stop!
Randy: [turns around, dropping an empty bottle] I’m sorry, son! I’m off the wagon!
Stan: Dad, you don’t have to do this! You have the power. You haven’t drank since seeing the statue.
Randy: But the statue wasn’t a miracle!
Stan: Yeah. The statue wasn’t a miracle, Dad. So that means you did it. That means you didn’t have a drink for five days all on your own.
Randy: You’re right, Stan. If God didn’t make me stop drinking then… I did. Maybe… Maybe I can force myself to never drink again. [throws off all his drinks, and they shatter on the pavement.]
Stan: Dad, you like to drink. So have a drink once in a while. Have two. If you devote your whole life to completely avoiding something you like, then that thing still controls your life and, ‘n you’ve never learned any discipline at all.
Randy: But, maybe… I’m just the kind of person who needs to have it all or nothing.
Stan: Naw. All or nothing is easy. But learning to drink a little bit, responsibly, that’sa disciprine. Disciprine… come from within. [Randy looks at Stan for a moment, then walks up to his side and kneels next to him.]
Randy: How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?
Stan: I’ve had a great teacher.
Randy: Thanks son.
Stan: No, not you, my karate teacher. He’s really smart.
Randy: Oh. Well, tell you what: let’s leave the car here, walk home, and watch the game. Like to have another beer or two.
– S9 Ep14, South Park Scriptorium