On this fated day, the 22nd October 2013, it was handed down, the key to divining the phrase of this millenium: pick out the 4th and 14th words (that aren’t “the” or “an”) for the phrase: “_____ is the new _____.”
Obviously, “Park” refers to South Park, and this phrase points us to the new critic of the age: South Park! The Simpsons had their run pre-2000 and from their pilot episode, they were spectacular and unremitting in their attacks on the paradoxes of our increasingly- specialising society. However, as the information age grew into its majority, The Simpsons lost traction on the current, with news speeding around the world – if not in seconds, then in mere minutes. And so it became that topical news lasted a couple of months before being replaced in the headlines and The Simpsons’ seasonal production timetable produced obsolete commentaries on forgotten events. South Park’s 6-day episode turnover is the solution to dated satire and all in the twenty-first century should watch South Park!
The above paragraph is clearly written by a deluded, cartoon-obsessed maniac, and what “Park is the new Simpsons” really means is that the next great satire is to come from the Koreans! “Park” is a typical last name for the Korean family, and our TVs are next going to educate us about the nuclear Korean family and the fun they get up to because Korea – or, South Korea – is the next designer of global culture. First, Gangnam Style; next, The Parks. With half the world dependent on them and their Samsung Galaxies, the mind-frame of the average Korean is quickly becoming relevant to every developed household, and this next cultural juggernaut will help us navigate our new lives.
Please, trust the xenophobes read an innocent, English phrase as a statement about race; “Park is the new Simpsons” clearly refers to how if we wish to survive, the modern world must turn from gross consumerism and indoor entertainment to enjoying nature and the close-knit community that gathers at the local park. Yes, “Park is the new Simpsons” is read better as “The park is the new Simpsons”. With environmental concerns at their height as global warming continues and extreme weather manifesting all over the world, the phrase of the millennium can only be referring to our solution for environmental annihilation. We must wrench our bottoms from our couches and go to our nearest park! Smell the roses! Feel the sunshine on our faces! Feel the grass beneath our feet! Or plant some roses in those sorry excuses for parks and comb the grass for syringes and shit before we walk barefoot in it.